MUSING

Dear readers,

this blog is not about art, nor about landscape and nature and not about village-life.

It is about me.

About the journey I have made these passed 2 years.

As some of you may know I have been divorced for nearly 2 years and a halve now.

After 42 years together with my now ex-husband.

It was a devasting blow when he told me he wanted a divorce because he had found ‘his soulmate’as he put it.

At first I tried to find out what I had done wrong… and I could not find it.

Okay I have been ( an am) chronicallyh ill since I was 24, but I did always try to be there for him, I raised our (foster)kids, I brought in money. I could not understand why he left me alone while I also was taking care of my old mother.

How hard I did think, I could not find a thing I could have done better or should have done otherwise.

Then there was a time I hated the other woman fiercly, thinking she must have manouvred my husband to wanting a divorce. She was the one to blame.

I could not yet blame my husband.

Yes, I did find out that she told him she would not bed him anymore as long as he did not ask for a divorce, but I also came to understand he realy wanted that divorce.

And I started to hate him even more than that other woman.

It hurt me much. It confused me. Hating him so deeply when he was not there, still loving him when he was here.

And then, suddenly, I did see him in another perspective.

He no longer was the man I had loved and cared for for 42 years. He became a ( well known) stranger to me. Had he changed those last years ( our divorce-settlement took 2 years for being accepted by both of us) ? Or had I been blind with love for 42 years?

He became a person I only could look at with a mix of contempt and pity, compassion.

So unsure, so … weak.

How was it possible I did ever love him?

I started to looking forward to the divorce being settled.

And then the divorce was legalized, in april 2014.

Ofcourse I had troubles getting used to using my maidenname after so many years, I did not like all the things I suddenly had to do, managing all sorts of things like changing my name here and there, to being solely responsible for the house we still both owned, being solely responsible for sorting out taxes and such.

But aside from that I grew happier and happier with every day.

I did refind my Self.

Always his problems, wishes and dreams had come first. Second had come the needs of my children ( only one now,my foster son. My foster daughter did die too young, leaving 3 sons).

The then last 4 years the needs of my old mother were added to the burden ( although I am happy that I have been able to take the daily care of my mother for over 6 years now. Since february this year she lives in a home for old people, she is 91 now).

But now there was time to think about what I wanted, what I needed. And I started againIwith drawing and painting, making mixed media-art and go outside to make pictures. All things I did stop long ago, because my husband allways told me my drawing and painting and photographing were not good.

I started again, not believing I could make something beautifull, but just following the need, the urge, to create.

And I became even more happy.

At some point in this journey I became convinced my work was worth to be seen.

Okay, I have no formal education in arts, and I had to learn to paint by my self and I know that I do not know all the trics one could have learned in a real art-education, but what I create – if you like it or not- shows a part of the messages I have for the world.

For some time I could not understand why I had put my talents under the beehive.

It dawned to me slowly. But I could not find the words to speak about it.

Untill I came to a passage in a book that worded what had happened to me.

It is from one of Robert Jordan’s The Wheel of Time books.

Book six to be presize, “Lord of Chaos”.

In that passage Lady Deira Bashere says: “ If a woman is stronger than her husband, she comes to despise him. She has the choice of either tyrannizing him or else making herself less in order not to make him less. …”.

I do know (now) the circumstances why I choose to be the lesser, although I was not realy aware of doing that that time ( I was 18 yrs young then and he lost both parents in a car-accident and had nobody else than me to take care of him).

I still can not understand how I was able to make myself less for so many years. I think it has something to do with wanting to make people around me as happy as possible.

But I did it to the point of loosing myself completely.

Looking back to all those wasted years I can only say: “If your boyfriend or husband is weaker than you, and you are not the kind of person to like tyrannizing him, leave him as soon as possible. Whatever you do, he will never become a stronger man.”.

So, I opened my heart and mind to you and told you about the journey I did make the last 2 years.

Have you made a journey that changed your way of life?

 

pagina 23 en 24

pagina 23 en 24

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2 thoughts on “MUSING

  1. Relaties horen evenwichtig te zijn en liefdevol. Triest dat je ex zo’n impact heeft gehad op hoe jij in het leven stond. Fijn dat je nu dat hebt gevonden dat jou van binnen versterkt en gelukkig maakt.

    Liked by 1 person

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